Cotton Clouds Island

Dear X,

Its been a long time since I have actually spoken to you. How have you been?

….

Occassionally, I do receive news about you. I heard that you are climbing slowly but surely up the corporate ladder and I was glad for you. I sometimes wish time can be unwinded, and the mistakes we had created can be reversed, so we can still be the same like before. Friendship is what that really matters.

You used to be so close and dear to me. You used to consult me on matters you are unfamiliar with. And you opened my eyes to the little little things that I have come to cherish in my life. You have the credit for moulding me to become the one I am now.

I still can still remember vividly how I really got to know you. You bumped into me. You insisted to be near to me. You were there to help and I was there to assist you in return. During those days, my self-esteem was the bleakest, appearance wise as well. It was you who brought me back high up again. It was you who made me felt useful and being heard. You told me there is no one that can talk to you the way I do. And no one could understand you the way I do. 

Along the way, I picked myself up, and started changing myself for better. Tongues around us started wagging. Gossips fled everywhere. People started teasing us as an odd couple. I slowly fell for you.

You oozed a special charisma that attracted me. The way you speak, look and how you present yourself is unique and attractive. I loved to see how you sometimes stare in a daze and how you lost yourself in daydream. I cherish how we used to tease each other and made the others around us so envious and so green. You appealed to me.

We used to have structured arguments and talked about all sorts of things. Humanity, philosophy, wonders of nature, colourful ethnic cultures and the things that revolved around us. It was you who taught me to appreciate culture. It was you who told me experience is what we really gain for a meaningful life, not material gains.

I fell deep for you.

I allocated most of my time for you, and I believe you did the same. We are so used to having each other around that people started percepting us both as a couple, although our relationship remains platonic. You did not took advantage of me and I respect you for that.

Until one day. Remember that day? Your birthday.

You spoke of me being your special one.

You touched on the subject of love. And how you finally had feelings for me after so long. You knew that I admired you all along. I blushed but I admit. I did. But though we loved each other, you had a request. You wanted our relationship to be discreet. No one was supposed to know us. I being the innocent and fresh in love, agreed. This was the first disaster. I should not have agreed with you. Because of the great trust I had for you, little did I know that you was scheming a risk-free plan, for yourself.

We started. Do you still remember how we used to enjoy sneaking out middle of the night to go uphills? How you held my hands so tenderly? How you whispered softly into my ears? Do you still remember the mini-rendevous we had? Do you know how blissful I felt deep down in my heart?

But things moved too fast. Suddenly you were no longer caring. You found excuses not to see me. Everytime I spoke to you, the more I felt that the one I loved is becoming a stranger. Something was not right. This did not happen before we become a secret couple.

Then you asked for a break up. Second disaster. You gave me reasons that I no longer understands you, and how you suffered to be with me. X, I had known you for 6 years, we had been so close and dear for 6 years. I never ever heard that you complained you suffered being with me. Did you know your words broke my heart into pieces? Did you know how I felt myself plummeted into a dark hollow well and how my fall to the ground shattered my soul into pieces? Did you know how I cried until my tears dried up and no longer roll down my cheeks, albeit I was still crying tearlessly? The 6 years we had together was incomparable to the mere 1 1/2 months "suffering" you had?

You were eager… and desperate. You gave all other sorts of illogical reasons. I only knew the summary and conclusion. You wanted out. So I let you out. With overflowing tears. You knew that, X. You saw me crying my heart out. You saw me in the ultimate despair. You broke my heart. On my birthday.

I had to believe that you suffered. And to end it, I must set you free. I did. Soon I knew the real reason you left me was for another girl. You betrayed me.

I finally knew the real intention for your request of keeping our relationship in the dark. You had planned to dump me whenever you feel convenient. By keeping me behind scene, there would be less interogation from our friends and families. Cleaning up the mess would be an easier chore. I fell into the worst state of despair. You, X, the one I had always trusted, had never cherished our friendship. You treated me as a game. That mere 1 1/2 months was enough to let me discover the real you.

I still did not want to accept the fact you are no longer an angel. I kept hoping although we are no longer couple, we can still remain sincere friends. But you destroyed the frail hope of mine. Remember the last call I made to you, X?

You joked with humiliating undertones. You "offered" monetary assistance should I require any for foetus abortion. Remember that? You stripped me off my dignity. You made me felt so worthless. I never went to bed with you, X. Why would you said something so distasteful, degrading and unrespectful?

My affection for you was turned into hatred in an instance. I was both wrathful and in grievance. I met you for the last time and ended our friendship and relationship there and then. I drew a line between both of us and even told you that I would never want to see you again. You were silent, but nodded your head in acceptance.

X, ever since that fateful night, you headed your own direction and I walked my path. We no longer communicate. We no longer acknowledge each other. I was left alone to gather my shattered body and soul up. And I slowly recuperated.

And we had been this way until now. Time slowly washes away my hatred and I no longer felt bitter. I was back to being the bouncy and cheery me, but friends commented that I was no longer the previous me.

Nowadays, my memory of you has become more distant and faint. I no longer recall your scent, no longer remember how its feels to touch you. I no longer recall your sounds of laughter. I no longer know you.

Do you still remember me, X? Do you still recall the days we had before? Do you still know me? I sometimes wonder, X.

Distantly yours,

Christine